i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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