fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dear god my vagina.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
