i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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