Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
