God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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