Your face is a jimmy john
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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