I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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