I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
