two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
