remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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