at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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