he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
