and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
