does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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