some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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