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it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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