My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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