you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
