There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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