I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Screwed.edu
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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