It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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