she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
