Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
