My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
