i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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