Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
