If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
