I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
