i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
