new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
