i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
