I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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