It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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