I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
