I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
