I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
