I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i drank out of a bidet.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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