Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
