we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
