Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
