Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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