dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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