i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
