You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
