Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
