He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
