I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize