So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
