ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize