vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
