i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
