I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
