Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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