I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just cropdusted the office
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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