She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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